Empty Cart, Full Heart

​Filling my cart with stuff does not fill my heart with love. What a concept!
Catch and release. That’s what I’m going to call this breakthrough moment. Freedom, not for some animal unlucky enough to be caught by my craftiness. Freedom for myself caught up in my own lies and deception.
Cue dark, intense, mysterious music….
I’m talking about online shopping, y’all.
Seriously though, online shopping catch and release. It’s a thing.
It began as I was perusing one of my favorite online clothing websites, looking for nothing in particular. But that’s just it - I ALWAYS find something in particular that will meet the need.
My need.
Desperately trying to obscure the real need with a makeshift solution. Ergo, I find the bait and set the trap... on myself. Wait for it….
BAM! Caught, in my own snare! 3 items in my cart. All purposeful and pretty. All sensible and stylish. All roomy and concealing and covering the parts of me I despise. Well, not quite.
I was one satisfying click away from summoning those lovely things to my waiting closet when I paused. Hesitation gives a moment to breathe and consider once more what my actions would produce.
Those items of clothing, though beautiful, would simply cloak an ugly part of me that goes deeper than the layer of excess weight I’m always trying to hide nowadays.
To be honest, and that’s where the release begins, adding more layers to my wardrobe won’t add more happiness with my physical changes I’ve succumbed to in the past number of years. It’s a mixed bag of blame for the state I’m in, but I’ll step forward and own it.
I’ve ceased caring for myself properly. I’ve had a love/hate attitude toward the calling God has given to me and all that it requires. Outward obedience masks inward mutiny, albeit passive aggressive. My ‘Yes, Lord’ placates my own ears enough to justify the comforting rebellions that online shopping indulge. Lord, help me!
And help me, He does, by His Mercy and Grace.
The infamous and imagined book of Hesitations sometimes quoted in jest does offer to us a word of unspoken wisdom. The Pause. A moment of clarity before making that deciding move. Underrated, yet exceedingly important in the life of a believer and follower of Jesus, is the notion that the big things we do and think are made up of the little things we think and then do.
Am I happy with my body? No. That’s the big picture.
Is God happy with how I choose to care for my body? No. That’s the sum of all the little pictures that make up the big pic. He sees it all.
I could laugh it off and call it Shopping Therapy, but I won’t.
Instead, I’ll praise the Lord for His wondrous love for me when I won’t love myself.
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The LORD appeared to him from afar, saying,
“I have loved you with an everlasting love;
Therefore I have drawn you with lovingkindness. Jeremiah 31:3(NASB)
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I’ll ask for forgiveness for not valuing my body, His temple, and living only for my comfort and not His glory.
For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body. 1 Corinthians 6:20(NASB)
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I’ll Thank God for the clothing already hanging in my closet.
If we have food and covering, with these we shall be content. 1 Timothy 6:8(NASB)
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I’ll ask the Lord to help me to see each decision-making moment a chance to keep Him first in my heart.
But godliness actually is a means of great gain when accompanied by contentment. 1 Timothy 6:6(NASB)
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My happiness won’t go up or down based on the contents of my shopping cart.
“The LORD is my portion,” says my soul,
“Therefore I have hope in Him.” Lamentations 3:24(NASB)
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My hesitation is over. Delete, delete, and delete: three items released from my online shopping cart.
I smile.
My cart may be empty, but God’s Love fills my heart to over-flowing!

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